“Never reveal all of yourself to other people;
hold back something in reserve so that people are never quite sure if they really know you.”
— Michael Korda

I was reminded of this by the lovely afrobella, who Twittered about the openness we bloggers should expect (or is expected of us).

I made a conscious decision a long time ago that I would become a somewhat enigmatic character, even choosing a pen name, J. Dakar, because at the time I didn’t want any issue if my students (or their parents) found something I had written a bit inappropriate. Granted, a former employer once found some of my erotica, but that’s another story for another time.

It’s funny, though, how things have played out since I became a “blogger”. My first foray into web writing was an online journal my online friend Jojo hosted for me at her domain, bornhated.com. I must have been 14 or 15 at the time and used the space to chronicle my life (how interesting that must have been) and showcase my coding and graphic design skills. Ha! I even considered myself a web designer with a handful of clients and offered my services to non-profit organizations after launching my first web company, jh-media.com, in early 1999. Before long, though, I had grown tired of having my personal space hosted by someone else and branched out on my own…sorta.

Two more of my online friends* really hooked me up: Nicole of blazed-up.net (and many other domains) gave me my first domain, and Sheik provided hosting for it. I set up my “personal online residence” at c0nflict.net, which, in addition to the journal I’d previously had, also included a few of my “words and rhymes”, under the pseudonym XIX which led to a college paper titled “Xamining I Xistence”. I suppose a therapist reading that might identify the early stages of a dissociative identity disorder I might have alternating between J. Dakar in the online world and Jeff Holley in the offline one. While I know mental health is no laughing matter, I am kidding about the dual personas; it’s just proven to be most advantageous to be able to separate the two. But not always; for example, when Angel and I attended the first ever African-American Online Summit, my nameplate read my legal name, but I was not about to protest. I just bet there were other attendees thinking, “Who is this guy?”

*As an aside, I promise I had friends in real life way back when. It’s just that it was so much easier to share things with someone who didn’t know you before they read anything you had written.

For the past few years, I’ve done a pretty good job at never revealing all of myself. But I’m about to fail miserably at it with the completion of my first novel, Never Been in Love. I’ve shared the Keith Miller quote that “No gentleman ever discusses any relationship with a lady,” but this story needs to be told.

Using myself as the central character, I explore the young, male psyche in regards to love and relationships. I’m by no means a relationship expert, but I hope my experiences (both good and bad) can help you with yours and offer a chuckle or two. I’ll be sharing a chapter in the coming weeks, and to my exes who still read everything I write, rest assured all names and locations will be changed to protect your identities (and in the case of the married woman, my own).

♫ Post Title Soundtrack: Gnarls Barkley — “Open Book”

I’m my own worst enemy. I’m my harshest critic. And I demand more of myself than I expect of any other. I amaze myself at the things I accomplish when I lighten up, though.

Some say because it’s over
We should be sad but that’s not true
‘cause death may seem something nasty
But it belongs to me and you
- Hooverphonic, “The Kiss of Death”

I don’t even know where to begin. You knew what you meant to me, and I to you, so that sort of takes the place of the things I should have said or the things I should have done. Deep down, though, I know I should have.

I know you wouldn’t want me to dwell on it, so I won’t. Instead, I’ll do better; I’ll be better. That’s what you would want and expect. That’s what your memory deserves.

So while I’m deeply saddened by your passing, I’m more inspired by the life you lived and the lives you touched. Thank you.

♫ Post Title Soundtrack: Hooverphonic — “The Kiss of Death”

I’m a firm believer that everyone we meet in this life serves a purpose and everything happens for a reason, but at times when I feel a bit reflective and introspective I wonder what if I didn’t have such amazing parents; my childhood best friend Andrew hadn’t died; my brother hadn’t been born; I didn’t have Ms. Moon as my second grade teacher; I didn’t meet LeeAnne; I continued practicing the piano; I hadn’t focused more on academics than athletics; I had pursued modeling; I had followed through with my plan to commit suicide; I had taken my AP classes more seriously; I continued singing; I hadn’t become the top recipient in scholarship money in the history of my high school; there hadn’t been the 730 forums; my grandparents weren’t so close; I didn’t go to college; she had said yes; I had gone to Georgetown; I had gone to one of the schools that offered me a full ride; I didn’t go to Birmingham-Southern; I spent more time studying instead of everything else during freshman year; I wasn’t forced to medically withdraw from school; I hadn’t returned more determined, driven and focused; I had gone to South Korea to teach; there was no Concrete Loop; I hadn’t taken that education course; I hadn’t met Paul Hubbert; I didn’t become one of the youngest board members at AIDS Alabama; I had been a better Big Brother; I had gone to Haiti; I didn’t graduate from college; he had said no; I kept in touch with Jamelia; I didn’t have to pay these student loans; I had taken that job with the Obama campaign; I hadn’t met Jocelyn, Rosetta or Leah; I hadn’t worked in that group home; I had adopted Jaquwan; I hadn’t quit that job; I had gone to law school; I hadn’t accepted this job or that other one; I had moved to New York; I didn’t have two careers; I hadn’t become such a workaholic.

I could go on about everything that I’ve either done, didn’t do or had happen to me, but questioning it wouldn’t matter because the important thing I’ve realized about all of these things and everything else, whether good or bad, is that they’ve all made me the man I am today: J. DAKAR.

♫ Post Title Soundtrack: Jaguar Wright — “The What Ifs”

Threw on a tie one day last week, and everyone at the office asked, “Why are you so dressed up?”

They must have forgotten a tie was a part of my everyday attire until I got tired of being the most stylishly dressed guy there. It’s been a while; maybe I should remind them…

♫ Post Title Soundtrack: Staind — “It’s Been a While”

It’s hard to believe that three years ago last week I made my very first post on Concrete Loop. Since then, I’ve made 1,128 more; boy, time certainly flies when you’re having fun.

I’ll never forget the day I got Angel’s email asking me to come on board and cover politics in preparation for the 2008 election. It was in my senior senior year of college (I had two since I had to medically withdraw and retake all my classes from a previous year), and I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do for a living.

Would I go on to law school? I had long decided I didn’t want to practice law although it had been a childhood dream; I figured I could do something with a law degree, but why waste the time, energy and money if my heart wasn’t completely in it? Maybe I’d work on an MBA…or better yet, get a master’s in education. Since I had spent so much time volunteering at local elementary schools following a single course in education, I just knew I wanted to be a teacher. But having spent six years in college (on top of high school), I wasn’t ready for more schooling.

That’s why Concrete Loop came along right on time.

My first posts were strictly political: I kept you in the loop on the caucuses and primaries and even compiled a voting guide, since many of our readers would be first-time voters. I added news to my repertoire, and within a month of starting the job, I was writing a social commentary column, J. Dakar On. It was around this time the mud-eating situation in Haiti hit the American press, and our post helped spark record donations to one of the nation’s top non-profits. That’s among one of my proudest moments.

Then things really started heating up in the political arena, and I’ll never forget the Hillary Clinton post. In my failed attempt at a little humor in the introduction, readers mistook me for a staunch Obama supporter although I made every attempt to conceal my political leanings. Looking back, I now realize my introduction kinda gave it away, but it was at that point I realized the importance of what I presented to the masses and how I did so.

And then came the victory.

Regardless of whether you agree with him, the Obama presidency did so much for so many when you think of all the years black and brown parents alike have told their kids they could one day be president.

Two of the few regrets I have in my life are not taking a job on the Obama campaign (although in retrospect, it’s probably best I didn’t) and not attending the inauguration, although I did take the day off to watch it (at the time, I was working for a Fortune 500 company in insurance/financial services).

After that, much of my political coverage languished (just like I said it would), focusing a bit more on the Obama White House than Obama’s policy except for the major points, of course. By this time, I had begun covering a wide spectrum of topics, including pieces on suicide and mental health in the black community. I had also taken on compiling the black history spotlights (60 to date), in addition to album and book reviews as well as interviews.

Things weren’t always of a lighter nature, though.

The Derrion Albert post still brings tears to my eyes, having watched the video of the savage beating in its entirety before we removed it. And I have such a hard time writing missing persons posts, but I think, “What if this was someone I knew and loved?” I would want everyone doing everything they could to find them, so I do. Plus, “mainstream media” often neglects to mention those who don’t happen to be rich and white or perhaps not as much.

That’s quite unfortunate, but it’s also a part of what helps motivate me to do what I do; if I don’t, then who will?

That thinking, I’m sure, helped earn an invitation to the White House late last year. Words can’t describe the feeling I had meeting President Obama; when I became the political contributor at Concrete Loop, it never even crossed my mind that I might one day meet the man.

Maybe I’ve come full circle; I say the best is yet to come.

♫ Post Title Soundtrack: Frank Sinatra — “The Best Is Yet to Come”