The title alone seems so out of place for a guy who’s just celebrated his 28th birthday. My week-long birthday celebration/vacation gave me time to think and reflect on my life thus far, and as morbid as it may be, I didn’t think I’d live to see this 28th year.

It’s funny how a birthday forces one to address mortality, or maybe that’s just me. When my dad called to wish me a happy birthday, he asked if I felt any older. My mom did the same when she saw me a few days later, and I replied to both that I didn’t and immediately began to think about how I actually felt younger than I had in the past.

I was reminded of my plan to commit suicide years ago and praying to God to remove those thoughts and feelings. I wouldn’t be here today were it not for my faith in Him, but I became even more aware of my mortality writing about death years later:
I do not fear it, nor seek it, nor do I think I can cheat it; I simply accept it. The only thing I fear is that everything I hope to accomplish won’t be before my time comes.

By that time, I had learned a couple of things about death.

If you fear death, you think that it’s something that you can avoid and refuse to accept that it is going to happen eventually.

If you seek death, depending on the reason, you’re a coward. If you try to escape from your problems through death, you are a selfish coward.

If you think you can cheat death and imagine yourself as being invincible, you are an idiot. You will die; it is only a matter of when and how.

But I am now at a place where I know and understand that I am not in control of certain things, and death happens to be one of them…just as I see that the plans I had for myself will not supersede the original plans God has for me. My only plan and what I hope to accomplish now is living a life full of passion and purpose as I do His will.

It’s no wonder I felt so old; trying to plan a lifetime would have that effect on anyone. But now that I’m a little older (and thankfully, a little wiser), I feel so truly blessed to actually be a little younger. I can only imagine how that must sound to someone who isn’t me. Words can’t even begin to describe this feeling, but I wish everyone could experience it with each passing year.

Just know that regardless of what you’re going through, you can and will endure.

Trust me, I’m a living testimony.

♫ Post Title Soundtrack: Big K.R.I.T. — “If I Should Die”

Time spent organizing my closet also served as an opportunity for reflection. I firmly believe that everyone who comes into your life serves a purpose, but that doesn’t mean they will hold a place there forever.

I’ve learned so much about myself over the last couple of years, but it hasn’t come without help from others around me. One of my most enlightening experiences came from a now ex-girlfriend. You know how people say that someone close to them made them a better person? Well, she was that someone for me…but because of the way things ended I never got the chance to tell her. That is, until I emailed her thanking her for the profound impact she had on my life.

Why didn’t I call her? The last time we spoke was a disaster, and I didn’t need or want to hear her voice. I’ve never been one to rekindle old flames, so that certainly wasn’t an issue; I just wanted to say what I needed to say and go on about my day. I intentionally wrote the email with no need for a response from her, and given the fact that she and I were/are so much alike, I don’t expect one.

While our relationship ended abruptly and I’ve since moved on (as I hope she has, as well), I’m forever grateful for our time together and simply having known her.

♫ Post Title Soundtrack: Eminem — “Cleaning Out My Closet”

This time of year is always bittersweet for me with my birthday and the anniversary of my best friend’s death. It’s generally a time for reflection as I contemplate the past year and the future one’s hopes and aspirations.

So much has happened over this last year—some good, some bad, but all worthwhile to keep me striving for success. Over the last few months, I’ve failed to take the time to reflect on all that’s going on in my life so this time of year couldn’t have come at a better time.

Until I sit down and actually think about it, I don’t realize all that’s going on with me because I’ve come to accept it for what it is and choose not to dwell on it. Having two careers while also pursuing a master’s degree, though, is a challenge, but I’m maintaining. I don’t have a lot of free time, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make for the time being. I’ve postponed the books I’ve been working on until I complete graduate school, but I REALLY want to start writing more personally again.

I miss the days when I could just write…granted, those days are what helped me get to this point in my life, but back then it was so easy to just sit down and write stream of consciousness. I wrote nearly daily with little or no regard for censorship, but that was before I became “J. Dakar”.

Angel and I had a conversation a few months ago about this, and I realized that the more I write professionally the less I tend to do so personally. Although I’ve always been a bit enigmatic, I’ve become much more guarded with what I share because I’d like to retain a bit of myself for those closest to me. In addition, J. Dakar is a brand, and I’m very conscious about what I project and don’t want to jeopardize the brand in any way. In fact, a top PR firm recently reached out to me in an effort to see how interested I might be in offering them an opportunity to assist me, and I know it’s partly because of the job I’ve done thus far managing my image.

I can no longer use that as an excuse for not writing, though. Over the years, I’ve become quite adept at saying what I want or need to say without saying too much. I just haven’t made the time to write from a more personal aspect. I’ve mentioned how writing has been my catharsis; I think it’s time I get back to that…

♫ Post Title Soundtrack: Bilal — “Restart”